July 29-31 entry

*TRIGGER WARNING: This is a Survivor of Suicide Loss blog in diary format for the month of August to chart my feelings regarding my brother’s untimely death by suicide. It will be 12 years tomorrow.

It was all good, until I started to drive down the last street before I turned onto my cousins’ street. My emotions became OVERWHELMINGLY intense, as the memories of the last time my brother, my cousin and I stood outside on the street cracking jokes. The tears had welled up in my eyes and I had to fight back the urge to cry. As I turned down my cousins’ street, I noticed a FOR SALE sign in their yard. WHAT THE?

NOOOOOOO! I wasn’t ready for that. The emotions became even more intense as I walked up to the house. I was shocked! They are moving…what about all of our memories? Sigh, I guess it’s time to move on.

My cousin comes upstairs and says, “Hey! Let me show you this painting!” So, we go to the garage and he pulls out this LARGE painting of my brother. WATER WORKS! Damn it! I hate crying in front of people and I planned on just enjoying the fight, seeing some old friends and going home.

It didn’t hit me that we were only days away from McCants’s anniversary. OMG! I miss him sooooo much, it hurts! I mean…I definitely wouldn’t want him here on this weird ass planet again but I selfishly want to spend some QT with my brother.

It’s strange how the days leading up to his anniversary are the hardest and then the day of…not so much.

At any rate, what is giving me comfort is the fact that the moon will be full tomorrow, August 1, 2023. The moon has always captivated and comforted me. I often just stare at the sky to take in its beauty and look at how God decided to give me a full moon on my brother’s anniversary.

Thank you God, I needed this sign of confirmation and comfort.

Always,

Elle aka Fese