*TRIGGER WARNING: This is a Survivor of Suicide Loss blog in diary format for the month of August to chart my feelings regarding my brother’s untimely death by suicide. It’s been 12 years today.

August 1, 2023

This morning didn’t start off the greatest. I was in a “space”…my emotions have been all over the place since Saturday. I anticipated my emotions being back on track after I wrote my first entry and woke up this morning but NOPE!

Grief is NOT LINEAR!!! It’s up and down…literally ALL OVER the place. It’s been 12 years! I didn’t get upset with myself for feeling my feelings; I just felt them, cried a bit and moved on (but it took me a few hours).

I had a few pep talks with myself about getting it together and then I received a photo and text message that read, “Good Morning Sis! How are you? 

Then a few hours after that I received another text that read: “Thinking of  you always, especially this time of year. You know I love you and keep you lifted in prayer. Sending a BIG hug your way and hoping all is well. Miss you!” 

Mannnn, I burst into tears. However, it makes sense that those two would reach out today. It meant more than they will ever know. To have the support of your loved ones is everything but for it to come from them unexpectedly makes the gesture so much more meaningful. But like I said, it makes sense, as they both understand the loss of a sibling. 

SIGNS | SYNCHRONICITIES | CONFIRMATION

I finally got myself ready for the day and went for my walk.  That’s when my whole attitude, disposition and aura changed.  I needed to get out in nature BADLY! My soul was craving it. I had almost cleared a mile when I saw a Goldfinch! 

If you know anything about me, you know I immediately whipped out my phone to determine the spiritual meaning of a goldfinch.  I do that with damn near everything (but I don’t get crazy with it) but a GOLDFINCH!  I have been walking my granddog for two years now and this is my VERY FIRST TIME EVER seeing a GOLDFINCH along my path.  So, YES…I looked it up! I saw dragonflies and a sparrow also.  Now dragonflies and sparrows are common. HOWEVER, the sparrow was swooping unusually low.

Needless to say, my day ended up AWEMAZING, as I was able to get my emotions together and help a neighbor in need, which certainly made me feel better.  Doing for others ALWAYS makes me happy!

Always, 

Elle aka Fese