Grief isn’t linear…

It’s July 31, 2011 the last day of the Fordham-Wagner Family reunion in Maryland, and it was my turn to deliver the morning devotional. I definitely procrastinated (thanks to writer’s block or maybe it was just my nerves).

Here is the worship thought I came up with (written at 7:36:25 AM on July 31, 2011:

~ Public speaking is really not my thing. I am more of a behind the scenes person!

I have been having a rough time coming up with a message. So, I waited to hear everyone else’s message in hopes to tie them altogether but I missed several of them for various reasons; then Evelyn’s dynamic message really discouraged me from wanting to speak at all.

Friday evening before the sunset, the family and I went to Walmart to make sure we had breakfast for the baby. We unknowingly headed in the wrong direction, then we got back on track and took the right exit but didn’t go far enough and got right back on the highway. As we were driving yet AGAIN in the wrong direction, one of the girls said, “Mommy, look a rainbow!” I quickly whipped out my phone to take a picture. I started snapping away and then opened my notes app because instantly the words “He will never leave us nor forsake us” popped into my head. But that was as far as I had gotten.

Yesterday afternoon (July 30, 2011), I was sitting in the resort lobby to gather my thoughts for my worship thought. Lorice walked over to me and we began talking about my dilemma and she began to encourage me. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US!

I then spoke to Diane after vespers and she also encouraged me and said I would be alright. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US!

If you would just look around us, you see ALL of the family members that God gave to us; we should be rest assured that his presence will NEVER LEAVE US, even when we are feeling down, discouraged, when we procrastinate and even when we neglect Him. He is still there letting us know…I AM HERE! Soon and very soon the Holy Spirit will be leaving this Earth and we will have to count on our relationship with Christ and our family members far and wide to make it through.

He gave us such a strong, stable and God fearing family on which we can rely and call upon when things get tough. Not very many people have the type of bond the Fordham-Wagner Clan has and we are truly blessed.

When we leave here let us not forget one another and just catch up in another two years. Let’s stay in constant contact with God and with one another and remember God put us in this family for a divine purpose. We must always remember that God will NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US! ~

THE VERY NEXT DAY…

August 1, 2011, I lost my brother, my very first bestfriend to suicide. I LITERALLY lost a part of myself that day.

1. He was my other half, my brother.

2. We weren’t on the best terms…okay we weren’t talking at all

3. He was always my biggest cheerleader and motivator

4. It was always US…just the 3 of us, Mom, McCants and Me

Little did I know on July 31, 2011 at 7:36.25 AM that I’d no longer have my brother, yet I spoke about God, “Never leaving nor forsaking us”. Then my first best-friend was snatched away from me.

I could have taken such a massive loss as God leaving and forsaking me but on August 2, 2011, I posted this…

Instead of being angry and rejecting God, I requested that people pray and reaffirmed that God will “Never leave us nor forsake us”.

Fast-forward to July 30, 2025, I received a FaceTime call from my bonus Granddaughter, whom I do not get to see often. She told me that she missed me, loved me and even introduced me to her babydoll as her grandma LaLa. She then asked if I could show her baby pictures that I had of her. I went through my photos but I only had one because I had gotten a new phone. I promised her that I would find pictures to show her the next day.

In my true LaLa fashion, I made sure I found her baby photos but ran across photos I thought I had deleted.

I then asked myself the following questions:

What is wrong with me? Why can’t anyone love me the way I deserve? Am I not good enough? Am I not lovable? Why can’t I just…?

I then said to self, this little girl reaching out proved that you ARE loved. She sought you out because she missed you and your love. There’s nothing wrong with you…you have expected people that don’t know the true definition of love to give you something they don’t give to themselves.

REALITY SETS IN…

The enemy was seeking to destroy. Not TUHDAY satan!

First thought was he’s attacking you because you’re near the end of your 21 day fast. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My emotions had me in a chokehold because it was July 31st, the day before McCants passed.

It’s been a long short 14 years. Feels like forever yet it feels like he was taken away from me yesterday.

The Holy Spirit put this on my heart…

“Babygirl, You are my Bride! If you abide in me, I will abide in you. You don’t NEED anyone else’s love but mine to validate you. I give true love. I AM the definition of LOVE! You too, are Love and people in this world can’t give love the way I do. MY LOVE NEVER FAILS! Do NOT depend on man to give what can only be given through me!”

You see how the enemy tried to creep in and tamper with my mind to paint a picture of defeat and unworthiness?

The love that God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit provide continues to give me peace and the knowing that I am undefeated and worthy in Jesus name.

My brother is resting…he loved me. My bonus granddaughter sought me out…she loves me. GOD loves me and continues to show me daily.

I AM the Bride of YAH. He chose ME. He fashioned ME. I AM who I AM because of and through Him.

GOD has never left me nor has He forsaken me! I AM LOVED!

For those that have lost loved ones, please know that God loves YOU. Reach out to Him. Call on Him to give you peace that passes all understanding and know He will give it to you. GOD is the ONLY way I’ve been able to maintain my sanity with everything I’ve lost.

GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU! Hebrews 13:5

Remember to be gentle with yourselves because healing and grief are NOT LINEAR.

It never gets easy…your reality has shifted and life becomes different day by day.

May God bless each person that reads this message. I pray it helps in some capacity.

I love and have prayed for each person that reads this.

DO NOT ALLOW the enemy and his minions to discourage you. These circumstances you were dealt are to be used to glorify God. Turn your negative into a positive. Remember GOD WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US! Take your new reality one day at a time.

It’s been 14 years and my new reality hit me hard on July 31, 2025. Yes, I poured my eyes out because I miss the bond I had with my brother…I needed his love and motivation. Yet, GOD in His omniscience, reminded me that He will never leave me nor forsake me and gave me peace for the following day.

And he will do the same for you, if you just ask!

Be Blessed,

Elle