Three deep breaths

Ten steps backwards

Going backwards

Now I’m switching lanes

Tyre marks

On my heart

It don’t beat the same

Rest your weary heart

Dry your teary eyes

~ Jhene Aiko (Born Tired)

I’m so tired of losing loved ones.  August 1, 2011, I lost my brother to suicide. Losing my brother caused me to go numb and then death just hit different. November 22,  2016, I lost my favorite student! That really took a toll on me. Now, here I am facing the death of his mother, MY FRIEND, Moanick Fenner. SIGH!

My heart is heavy, VERY HEAVY!  I cry myself to sleep every night.  I wake up with sad swollen eyes that can only be semi-tamed by applying ice. I don’t feel like myself, as I’ve lost a very important part of me.  So, to comfort myself (because I don’t talk about what I am going through with anyone cuz I can handle this…just like I‘ve handled all the other deaths that were sudden and beyond my control), I scroll through our text messages so I can laugh and cry, while replaying Jhene Aiko’s Picture Perfect or just fall asleep with tears in my eyes. I MISS MY FRIEND! 

I always stay in contact with her, especially around Benjy’s birthday. I sent her a text in October with no reply. I figured she was just going through the motions, but was confident that I’d hear from her soon. Life happens and me being the understanding friend that I am, just allowed her time to respond because she ALWAYS  texts or calls me back.  But I won’t be getting that text or call back this time. UGH!  NOT MY FRIEND! I’m gonna miss her laugh, hearing her call me her Lite Bright, and her strut.  Moanick was short but she walked HELLA tall!  There was nobody bold enough to test her and I ADMIRED THAT ABOUT HER!  I could confide in her and she in me.  The unselfish side of me is happy that she’s not going to be sad anymore.  She hasn’t been herself since she lost both of her son’s suddenly. But the selfish side of me wants her here. I’m gonna miss my short feisty friend! 

Picture Perfect

You are

Picture perfect to me

So I keep you in a frame

Keep that frame in my brain

When I don’t want to see

What is in front of me.

~Jhene Aiko (Picture Perfect)

I will forever miss you, Moanick!  Rest well my dear friend!


Your “Lite Bright”

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